7/23/26

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

Tomorrow, I leave on a trip that I don’t want to go on. I chose it, I arranged it, I thought I’d be ready for it…but now that it’s upon me, I’d much rather stay at home.

It’s been a hard week. I’ve always described myself as a living breathing roller coaster, and that has definitely proven its truth this week. Just last week, in the 7/16/26 blog, I said, “So this is my moment of happiness: that I was too immersed in my life and in what makes me happy to even think about it. It was just what my life is supposed to be.”

And this week? I’m up to my neck in my life and I’m questioning everything. Should I be doing what I’m doing? Am I still effective? Is it time to just put everything down and move on to something else, or is it time to just put everything down and then go sit quietly in a corner?

Sitting quietly in a corner sounds very good right now. Make it a dark corner.

Lately, and lately meaning the last two years, when people ask me how I am, I always give the same answer: “Tired.” Sometimes I change it up and use two words, “Very tired,” or a new word that means the same thing: “Exhausted.” Even when I’m feeling happy, I have a sense of sadness, and trouble just around the corner.

And a sense that I really don’t have a handle of what’s going on in my life at all.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis, which would be a good thing, because then I’m going to live to 132 years of age. Maybe it’s just that there’s been a lot of challenges in the last two years, including the loss of my husband. It’s not easy being alone.

Or maybe it’s true that I don’t have a handle on what’s going on.

Either way, tomorrow, I will be flying to Seattle. On Saturday, I will be getting on a gigantic boat and cruising to and through Alaska. A trip I don’t want to take. And I’ll be turning 66 too.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing that I’ll have a small cabin all to myself, with a balcony that overlooks the ocean. I can sit there with a good book and a cup of coffee and listen to the waves. Or I can put the book in my lap and stare at the ocean, that has always had a comforting shoulder for me before. It’ll be a little bigger than a corner, but it’s all I need, really.

So what is my Moment of Happiness this week?

Well, I did get the first draft of a new story completed. That felt good.

I managed to run my hand down the back of my new cat, Poe.

I’ve slept.

I had my first mani-pedi. Of course, now I’m terrified that I’ll bang my hands against something. And I’m keeping my lovely toes protected in sneakers, so no one sees them but me.

And…I’m still talking. Still watching and waiting for the roller coaster to go back up, the way it always has. The way it always will. I hope.

Hope always rises.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.